Memories
by deluca
Summary: Maria is 27 years old. After graduation she stays in Roswell, untill events cause her to move to New York.rnLooking back on her life Maria tells her story.
1. My life

**Memories **

**Chapter 1. My Life**

Life has a funny way of catching up on you, you can spend years of your life in ignorant bliss and then one day... Bam. There life is staring you in the face haunting you, your past mistakes, may they be 2, 5 or even 10 years ago, have caught up to you and are causing you so much pain and agony. I used to live in ignorance, my past buried deep in my mind. Living my life in the worst possible way. I used to love life. Get up each morning full of energy, a positive perspective on life, the sun always shinning over me.  
High school was the best time of my life, it was hard I must admit sometimes I just wanted to give in... But I never did. Most of the time I was with my friends, the pod squad. Liz was my best friend in the whole world, when we were little we would always make up stories about us as old pensioners, still friends never losing touch, we even said we'd die on the same day!  
I was naive. I expected life to be simple, our friendship would last everything, the hardest trials. In reality life didn't happen like that. Life didn't ask me what I wanted, it just gave me what it had to spare. High school were the best years of my life. Love, Romance, Adventure, Friendship. After high school, my happy go lucky approach to life ended. I had to grow up fast. I had to learn to live, to take care of myself, to survive on my own.  
That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, to survive on my own. Even though I might have thought it at times, I was never on my own, ever in my life.  
My mom was always there for me, no matter what I thought she was.  
Then there were my friends. The people I felt closest to, the people I would have gladly dies for, the people who tore my world apart.

After graduation, and the FBI had were hot on out tail, we decided to leave Roswell... For good. We all knew that we had to give up our lives in order to save ourselves.  
What I didn't realises was that I didn't need to be saved. I wasn't one of them, just like Jesse wasn't one of them. We were normal, what is normal anyway? Well we weren't aliens... After Liz started getting her powers we all knew Kyle would soon follow, after all Max had healed him as well as Liz. Jesse and I, we were human, we had no alien powers what so ever... We were never any use to them, and would only slow them down.  
I stood in front of the Michael, the man I had loved unconditionally for 3 years, as he told me that I couldn't come with them, as he told me that I would slow them down and eventually get them killed.  
I stood beside Jesse as he fell to the ground, as his wife turned her back on him and got into the car.  
I feel to the ground as Michael, Liz, Kyle, Max and Isabel drove out of my life.  
That was the turning point in my life. That was the event that ruined my life.  
That was the event that lead to the suicide of Jesse.  
After the funeral, I couldn't take Roswell anymore.  
My mom constantly trying to get me to leave the house. Jim, the Parker's, and the Evans constant questions about there children. Everything I used to love about Roswell, I now hated.

Isn't it strange how your life can change so quickly, by even the tiniest of events.  
New York was exactly the place I needed to be. It was huge giving me the opportunity to get lost in the crowd. It gave me the change to give my music career a proper go, but music made things worse.  
Memories of the past followed me everywhere I went.  
Memories of Alex, of Michael, of Roswell. Memories I needed to forget.  
Clubs and bars where the only gigs I got. Sleazy people... I got involved in a lot of dodgy stuff. Drugs was one of many.  
One night at a gig, a regular gave me some E to try... And after that he became my dealer. When I couldn't pay for it I gave him my body instead. He got me involved in strip clubs and prostitution.  
I hated every single moment of it... But it was money and gave me my next fix. Eventually I gave up on music all together, it didn't make me enough money and my heart just wasn't there any more.  
My life spiralled out of control. I turned to alcohol, got drunk and stoned every night, sleeping with anyone I fell into bed with.  
I was disgusted with myself, and became depressed.  
I couldn't control any aspect of my life, I wanted to die, for all my pain to end.  
I Slit my wrists every night. Once or twice a week I would go to far and be carted off in an ambulance. I took overdoses everyday. I jumped in front of a bus in a final bid of desperation... Only to wake from a coma 2 weeks later.  
Nothing helped me. I lived in a constant hell, tormented day and night.

After 5 years of this I received a phone call one night.  
"What?" I said in my usual stoned voice.  
"Ma...Maria..." The voice replied.  
It had been 6 years since I had heard that voice. It was a voice I could never forget.  
"Michael..." I said in a moment of weakness.  
I quickly overcame this emotion. 6 years and no word. And now he had the cheek to call me, to drag back all of these... Memories.  
"You... You... Why? Why do you have to do this to me? Is it not enough that you have ruined my life? That you left me on a roadside to live this pathetic excuse for a life? But you have to rub it in my face? You bastard. Burn in hell"  
I slammed the phone, and disconnected the line.  
Running from my apartment with the few possessions I had, I left. I stayed with my dealer after that. Sleeping with him to pay my rent. My existence was lower than low.  
I cried myself to sleep every night. I had constant bags under my eyes and bruises all over my body.  
When Scott my dealer started hitting me I thought nothing of it, this was my life.  
Eventually after being raped and hit every night I gave up fighting, and hope.

6 months ago I left. I woke up one day and had had enough. I got back into my old music career, I found I new range of emotions to sing about, not my usual happy go lucky, love/friendship related lyrics, but those of angst and the last 7 years of my life.  
Even though I still had all the problems I had before I was free, my life wasn't perfect but it was good enough, and I would have to settle.  
Life picked up a little, I got a few regular jobs, singing in some clubs and bars.  
My songs were well likes with the younger crowd of Goths. I made some demos but never had any real interest.  
My apartment was in the heart of New York City. I loved the hustle and bustle of my everyday life. I loved waking up to the smell of coffee, from the small cafe below.  
One morning I got the biggest shock of my life.  
One that brought back memories of my past life in Roswell. The life I had tried so hard to forget.  
The secret I had kept back then, tore my insides apart but there was no way I could have shared that secret with anyone. Not my mom, not Michael and not even my best friend Liz.  
I felt so alone back then.  
But I'm 27 years old now. I don't feel alone... I am very alone, I have no one.  
But life can be different.  
A fresh start, _or so I thought_.


	2. Secrets Revealed

**Memories **

**Chapter 2. Secrets Revealed**

A fresh start, _or so I thought._

* * *

I knew I had to give up my lifestyle. I was 2 months pregnant. The doctors were worried, I had been doing drugs and drinking for 8 years straight... My baby was in danger, if I didn't do something fast he/she would die.  
Of course it was going to be difficult. I couldn't give up drugs completely, the baby was probably hooked... And the withdrawal symptoms would kill it.  
BAD BAD BAD. I thought it would be simple, but things were so complicated and I had no one to hold my hand, no one to look after me. Life carried on like this, me feeling sorry for myself hoping and praying things would work out. But 7 months into the pregnancy, I was rushed into hospital, the baby was in big trouble, and I had no idea what to do.

"Mom" I said into the receiver after dialling my old number, etched into my mind.  
"Maria... Baby is that you"  
Yep that was my mom. Emotions running through her shaking voice. The last time I had seen or talked to her was the day I left Roswell. She only ever wanted the best for me. But she couldn't help me. No one could have helped me get over the loss of my friends, then Jesse.  
"Hey, yeah its me... Mom I'm so sorry I haven't called but I'm all alone and I need someone right now." I cried.  
"Ria baby I've missed you too! How are you, what's wrong"  
"Things have been so hard mom, I got into a load of stupid stuff, I'm pregnant, and the baby's in trouble, I might lose it!" I cried... I let everything out, told my mother everything I had done since leaving Roswell 8 years ago.  
We cried for a while then she stopped deadly series.  
"Maria, I want you to come home"  
"No. No... Mom you don't get it I cant... I can't ever go back there, EVER"  
"Maria, Maria listen, they came back... They came back and I have their cell phone number"  
"Wha"  
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My mother had the cell phone number of my friends, of Michael. What would I say? Hey everyone I'm an alcoholic, junkie and got pregnant after being raped by my dealer... Nope don't think that would do it.  
"Baby I'm coming to get you, I'm coming to get you..."

After that my baby died. I gave birth to a baby girl. She was dead, a stillborn.  
My whole world collapsed, I always knew things would be hard... But I never imagined feeling so empty and alone.  
For 7 glorious months I was gonna be a mom. I had a new start, something to look forward to, now I have nothing, no one.  
I was right back to square one, only now my life didn't matter.  
The grief I feel inside is out of control, I cried myself to sleep.  
This white cell of pain is my punishment, my punishment for the life I have been leading.  
I remembered Roswell, and my secret... A fresh wave of pain and nausea swept over me.

Lying on this hospital bed, in this white room, everything is so perfect... So neat and tidy. I just wanna get up and scream! Tear the place apart. My baby is dead! MY BABY IS DEAD!  
I don't even turn around when the nurse walks in.  
"Maria you have some visitors"  
Visitors, who cares. Maybe Scott found out about his baby... No he was lying stoned in a coma somewhere.  
Fresh tears ran down my already tear stricken face, my once beautiful face, now all that was left was years of abuse, neglect and terrible pain.  
I heard foot steps and then.  
"Maria"  
"Hey"  
"Oh my god"  
"Um... Hi"  
The different voices I remembered them all, voices from my past. Liz, Kyle, Isabel and Max.  
"Hey Ria"  
Michael... I couldn't contain myself all my emotions broke loose and I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably, shaking so hard... I turned round, everyone gasped my eyes were blood shot, my face so very pale something they had never seen before was here instead of their Maria, the carefree 19 year old Maria, the person I wanted to be.  
Michael walked towards me and sat on the small hospital bed I possessed.  
He put his warm, soft hands onto my cold broken skin. He ran his fingers through my tangled hair all the time looking into my eyes.  
Michael had never seen these eyes before. My once crystal clear blue eyes were clouded. They didn't belong to the Maria he knew, I was a stranger... An alien.  
Ha an alien... I had become the thing Michael told me I wasn't.  
He smiled slightly and put his soft subtle lips onto my sore cracked ones. Not the lips he remembered.  
I let a sob escape my lips as I pushed the hair from my face. Another gasp.

My arms were covered in scars. Scars from where I had cut myself, scars from where I injected Poisson into my body... The scars no one had wanted me to receive. When they left all those years ago, even though I didn't want to believe it, they had left for my protection... To save me from the evil of the world. How wrong could these people have been.  
I smiled they thought they knew pain, but as I looked into the faces of the people I once shared my life with I laughed inside... They were horrified.  
"Ha, what's wrong? You thought my perfect little life would be untouched? You thought leaving me by my self would somehow save me"  
I laughed again, turning my attention to Isabel.  
"Jesse couldn't stand when you left him, I had to drag him off the road. He wrote a note, before he did it"  
Tears ran slowly down Isabel's face.  
"It said he couldn't live without you... So instead of going after you he put a pistol in his mouth"  
I now turned to Michael, sitting silently beside me.  
"Hey baby what's wrong? You can't believe you did this to poor innocent Maria"  
Michael reached for my hand, trying to provide some sort of comfort for the girl he once called his girlfriend... His soul mate. I pulled away letting my tears flow freely.  
"I lost my baby yesterday... My baby is dead." I whispered.  
"Doesn't matter, I'm used to be being alone... Probably wouldn't have got off the drugs anyway. You know how she was conceived? I was raped"  
Shock. The only word I could find for the look on all 5 people in front of me.  
"Oh no don't worry, he was my dealer" I said closing my eyes.  
"All he was doing was collecting rent" I sobbed.  
I turned back towards Michael, my face total chaos.  
"You know what's so painful... This isn't even the first baby I've lost! Back in high school I found out I was pregnant. Of course it was Michael's but I was so scared. What my mom had gone through having me so young and my dad leaving I couldn't go through that with Michael, so I had an abortion... And no one even knew"  
I closed my eyes taking a deep breath. Why was I doing this? Causing everyone around me so much pain, dragging feeling that should be forgotten back into the open.  
"I'm so sorry" Michael replied. "I never knew"  
"Maria... We wanted to come back for you, we really did but it was too dangerous." Liz said.  
"Maria..." Isabel sobbed. "I loved Jesse"  
I nodded.  
"You all had to do what you did. But you didn't have to come here. My life is so different now. I'm not the Maria DeLuca you all remember. I changed my life for the worse with the choices I made, and I swear to god if I could I would take them all back. But this is my life. You have to let me live it... Alone"  
"Ria I have waited so long to see you, and I'm so sorry but I will not leave you here alone... Like this." Michael said pointing to me.  
And as I fell into my old lovers arms sobbing about everything and anything I knew life would get better... It had to.  
_After all my life couldn't get any worse..._


End file.
